No More Pretending Read online

  Despite the awkwardness, Harper felt her usual awe at how good Lauren was. When Lauren spoke, the words seemed so much better than they were.

  “Don’t be scared of your feelings,” Harper continued. “Let me in. Darling, I thought I knew what it was like to be happy before I met you. I thought striking oil was the biggest thrill a person could have. You’re better than any oil. Just tell me how you feel, please.” Harper could not keep herself from giggling at that line. “Better than oil? Seriously, you need to get Sal to change that. I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous.”

  Lauren nodded but then held a finger to her lips. Harper went back over the line, this time managing a straight face.

  “I can’t say it,” Lauren said.

  “You have nothing to be afraid of. I’ve never met anyone like you. You’re safe with me.”

  “I think I’m falling in love with you,” Lauren said, her eyes welling with tears.

  Harper’s heart lurched. For a second, she’d tricked herself into thinking that Lauren was actually speaking to her. Lauren usually held something back when they ran lines, but it didn’t feel like that today.

  “That’s all I need. All I ever need,” Harper finished.

  They each fell silent and still. The words on the page rose up between them, the stage direction that they should kiss looming.

  “It must be so strange making out with someone for a movie. I’ve always thought that would be really weird,” Harper said, although in truth she had never given much thought to it either way.

  Lauren kept her eyes on the page in front of her. “It’s really not. People make a big deal of it, but it’s so choreographed. Sex scenes are awkward because you have to take half your clothes off, but kissing’s not that bad.”

  “Doesn’t it depend on who you’re kissing?” Harper asked. It must at least be strange for Lauren to have to kiss her ex-boyfriend in front of so many people.

  Lauren shrugged. “Sure. I’ve had to kiss dudes with bad breath. That’s annoying.”

  “I don’t know. I’m not knocking that it’s part of your job, but you’re still actually kissing someone you don’t necessarily want to.”

  “I promise it doesn’t feel like that at all. It’s mechanical. You do it a dozen times and it’s so boring. Here, do the lines again and I’ll show you.”

  “Okay, okay,” Harper said, flustered.

  She got to the pivotal moment, and again she paused. Harper held the script down at her side and looked at Lauren. Harper didn’t know exactly what Lauren had meant when she said she would show her. Of course she wouldn’t actually do it.

  Lauren moved forward on the picnic blanket and cupped Harper’s face in her hands. Harper was acutely aware of her own mouth, which was dry and nervous. She wet her lips with her tongue and saw how Lauren stared.

  “Sometimes you’ll put your hands like this so it hides your mouths a little from the camera,” she said. “And they place the camera so you can’t really see what’s going on anyway.”

  “The magic of Hollywood huh?” Harper said shakily. She clutched her hands in fists at her sides, one of them still gripping the script.

  “And you kiss with a closed mouth,” Lauren continued.

  “That’s not true, I’ve seen people kiss with open mouths all of the time,” Harper argued.

  “Well yes, but it’s very bad manners to use tongue. You just make it look like you are.” Lauren smiled.

  “And how do you do that?”

  Lauren rolled her eyes and finally she leaned in. When her lips touched Harper’s, Harper felt a charge through her whole body; she was sure that her lips had never felt so sensitive. She didn’t know how much she was allowed to respond, and her confusion made her sit rigid and unsure. Lauren used her thumb to caress Harper’s jaw. After a moment, she pulled back.

  “Now open your mouth,” she said in a whisper, and Harper felt breath on her lips. She obeyed.

  Lauren’s mouth was open against hers, and moving, and she understood what Lauren had meant. It felt as fake as Lauren had been describing, unsatisfying and strange. Yet there was so much underneath it. She could swear that she could feel Lauren holding back with the same force that she was. Harper’s desire was intensifying by the second. She couldn’t do this, she couldn’t.

  Soon she had taken Lauren’s elbow with her free hand, to keep her close. Harper’s tongue moved into Lauren’s mouth. She heard Lauren moan softly once, when their tongues slid against one another’s. The script in Harper’s hand dropped with a rustle and she put a hand in Lauren’s hair.

  Harper couldn’t believe how velvety and sweet Lauren’s mouth tasted. She felt like she was never going to get enough of it, nor get enough of the way that Lauren was kissing her back. It was in a way that left no doubt that she’d wanted this just as much as Harper did. They fit together more perfectly than she had ever imagined they would.

  They kissed for what felt like a very long time. Lauren eagerly kissed her, the two of them locked in a dance. There was no pretense anymore, no reason for them to act like this was anything other than what it was.

  Harper’s hands moved downward, rubbing along Lauren’s arms. Her skin was so soft and smooth. Harper wanted to be on top of her. The need overcame her and she started to move Lauren backward, but stopped when she met unexpected resistance.

  Lauren pulled back. When she looked at Harper desire was written on her face.

  “What are you doing?” Lauren asked her, breathless.

  “Nothing,” she said, looking at an expression that scared her. She couldn’t understand what had gone wrong. She didn’t know what to say. “Did I move too fast?”

  “No, I meant…don’t worry about it.” Lauren was pushing her hair out of her face self-consciously. “Chester, come here!”

  Harper watched in confusion when Lauren began packing up the food containers. Because she didn’t know what else to do she started to help, glancing at Lauren every few moments to try to work out what was going on.

  “Are we going?” Harper asked.

  “I think we should,” Lauren said, her voice frightened.

  “What’s going on?” Harper asked. She was going over the kiss, trying to figure out if there had been any resistance or red flags before those last moments. There was nothing. Lauren had been kissing her eagerly one minute then freaking out the next. Lauren had been using the fake kiss as a pretext to really kiss her. That had been obvious. Even if Harper had been wrong about that, Lauren had still kissed her back for a good long while.

  “I was just showing you, like I said,” Lauren said.

  “Lauren…” Harper said in disbelief.

  “You got the wrong idea. I’m sorry. Let’s just move on.”

  Lauren was folding up the blanket and refusing to look at her. It was disturbing how completely she was able to shut Harper out. It left Harper with no choice but to drop it. She picked up the picnic basket and walked over to Lauren’s car with it, depositing it on the backseat. When she turned around, Lauren was nearby and holding Chester.

  Lauren got into the car. The windows were still down. It had been hot on the way there, and they had both been putting their hands out into the breeze while Lauren drove. Lauren started the car and sat, waiting for her to get in. Harper knew she couldn’t get into that passenger seat. The thought of being driven home by Lauren when things were like this was unbearable. She could only imagine the cold silence, and the awkward good-bye that waited for her at the end of it.

  Harper walked around to the driver’s side, not bending down. She didn’t want to see Lauren’s face again, not when Lauren couldn’t even look at her. “I’ll walk, thank you. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  Harper turned and walked away briskly. She could hear that the car wasn’t moving but she walked on, not looking up when it finally passed her by.

  Chapter Eleven

  It was a long walk back to town and Harper didn’t reach home until over an hour had passed. It was getting dark by
the time she arrived. She was sweaty and tired, so she got into the shower. As she stood under the cold needles of water, she pressed her fingers to her lips. The sensation of Lauren’s touch, of the gentle pressure of her mouth, hadn’t left her for a second.

  Harper tried to sort through the chaos. Tension had been building between the two of them for weeks. Though at times she had almost convinced herself that Lauren was just being friendly, her gut told her otherwise. She noticed the excuses Lauren made to touch her and be close to her, the looks they shared so many times, and the way Lauren’s eyes lingered on her body. It was crazy to think that a heterosexual Hollywood starlet could be interested in her that way, yet Harper was positive that it wasn’t all in her head.

  Why had Lauren rejected her like that? And more importantly, why had she instigated the kiss if it wasn’t something she wanted?

  Harper hadn’t wanted to see the truth but now it was right in front of her. Lauren had been messing with her, especially today. It was obvious that Lauren enjoyed Harper’s company and her attention. It flattered her, and she encouraged it because it made her feel good about herself. The connection between them was real, no matter how you chose to define it. Still, the reality of that connection becoming physical freaked Lauren out. Harper had to accept the fact that she had been used for companionship, for distraction, and maybe even to help Lauren to get over her relationship with Josh. Maybe Lauren was just curious. It wouldn’t be the first time a straight woman had acted interested in Harper after finding out that she was gay.

  There was no chance things could go back to the way they had been. If Lauren tried to continue as if nothing had happened, Harper knew she wouldn’t be able to deal with it. The attraction had only grown in the wake of that kiss. She was disappointed in Lauren, but she knew if given half a chance, she would go back for more. It had been too good between them to do otherwise.

  Harper resolved that she should be aloof but courteous when she was dealing with Lauren. She wasn’t going to allow things to become uncomfortable when they still had to work together.

  The evening passed agonizingly slow. For the first time since starting, she hated the idea of going to work. It was all well and good for her to try to plan how she wanted to behave, but she couldn’t control the way Lauren might treat her. Despite her plans, she knew that it would crush her if Lauren were cold toward her.

  When Lauren didn’t bring Chester to her office as usual, Harper wasn’t surprised. Still, she had held a sliver of hope that she might look up any moment and see Lauren standing there. If only Lauren would come to her and apologize, and if only she could provide a reasonable explanation for why she had behaved that way. Harper wanted to believe that Lauren wasn’t the sort of person who would mess with her deliberately.

  Harper was thankful for the good fortune that they were out filming on location today. It meant that she could hide in her office until Sal called upon her to do something. Harper spent much of the morning staring blankly at her computer screen. She had felt too queasy all morning to eat.

  It was occurring to her how much she was going to missLauren and the way they talked at work whenever they had the time. The absence left a hole that was going to make her days less fun, less exciting, less special.

  The phone buzzed. Harper jumped. She knew it meant Sal wanted her to come to the set. They were shooting the romantic scene today. The whole thing was too surreal for words.

  When she arrived, they were in the middle of a take, and she was forced to stand back and watch while Lauren and Josh mouthed the familiar, saccharine lines.

  “I think I’m falling in love with you,” Lauren said.

  “That’s all I need. All I ever need,” Josh replied.

  The handsome leading man and his co-star drew closer and kissed, plunging a knife into Harper’s chest. Just yesterday, those lips had been kissing hers. Harper wanted to avert her eyes but couldn’t. In all her life she had never thought of herself as the jealous type, but now she was seized with the childish urge to do something to interrupt filming. She had never felt much either way about Josh, but right now she had an intense dislike for him.

  Sal yelled, “Cut,” and the crew began setting up the next shot. Because Sal hadn’t acknowledged her yet and she couldn’t just interrupt, she was held captive to the scene all over again.

  Lauren was in the middle of a sentence when her gaze darted over and caught on Harper. She flubbed her line. Their gazes held on to one another’s while Lauren swore under her breath and apologized, but still she didn’t break eye contact. Harper didn’t know how to read her expression. Lauren was now as opaque as she had been when they first met, before Harper knew what to make of her. The intimacy had been stripped away. They were nothing but strangers once more.

  At last Harper disengaged from the staring contest by turning to Sal, grabbing the chance to talk to him while the crew worked.

  “Hey, Harper. We’re about to break for lunch once we’ve tried a couple of takes of this shot. It’s not working today.” Sal lowered his voice for a moment. “There is no chemistry here and I need to figure out how to fix it. Can you go and get me a sandwich from the diner, please?”

  “Of course.” Sal’s assessment was a surprise to her. Josh and Lauren looked like they were enjoying it well enough as far as she was concerned. She didn’t look back at them when she walked away.

  When she got to Joe’s,Sue greeted her cheerfully when she walked in. “Sit down and have a cup of coffee with me!”

  “I’d love to, sweetie, but I’ve got to get back. I’m just picking up lunch for the boss,” Harper said.

  “What’s he having? I’ll put the order in and you can at least sit with me while they make it up. You can see we’re not busy,” Sue said, gesturing around at the empty diner. It was too early for the lunchtime crowd.

  Harper agreed and they sat down in a booth. It was a relief to be sitting across from Sue. It meant there were no loaded interactions or complications, no feelings other than innocent friendship. She had been neglecting her other friends far too much since she changed jobs. Harper hated to think about where that had gotten her.

  They were chatting about Sue’s husband when Sue looked over Harper’s shoulder and her expression brightened. “Well, hello there, Ms. Langham.”

  Harper spun around in her chair. If the doorbell had chimed to announce Lauren’s presence, she hadn’t noticed it.

  “Hello. Hello, Harper,” Lauren said.

  “Hi,” Harper replied. Why had Lauren bothered to follow her? Sal had obviously asked for his sandwich loudly enough that Lauren had overheard where he’d asked her to go.

  Sue leapt out of her chair. “I’m sorry, honey, I almost forgot I’m on duty! What can I get you?”

  “Just a coffee and a salad to go, if you don’t mind? I’m sorry to interrupt you guys.”

  Harper looked down at Lauren’s hands. She was literally wringing them.

  “Oh no, please,” Sue said. “It’s my job after all. I’ll bring it over with your sandwich, Harper. And you make sure you stop by and see me again as soon as you can.”

  “I will, Sue. Thanks.”

  Lauren slid into the booth across from her. There was a long silence. “We need to talk. Maybe we could meet after work?” Lauren asked finally.

  “If you need to say something, you can say it now,” Harper replied. “There’s nobody around to hear us.”

  Harper wished that Lauren would spare her whatever speech she was about to deliver, but they might as well get it over with. This morning she had hoped for an explanation, but she knew in her heart that all Lauren was going to do was to ask her to keep her mouth shut.

  Lauren picked up a napkin and started fiddling with it. “I just wanted to apologize for my behavior yesterday. I was way out of line.”

  Harper hated that she wanted to reach across the table and take Lauren’s hand. It scared her that she was ready to make a fool of herself all over again. Where Lauren was concerned, she
had no willpower at all.

  “Thank you,” Harper replied, not sure what else to say. Was Lauren apologizing for the kiss or what had happened afterward?

  “I would really like it if we could still be friends,” Lauren continued. Harper thought the words sounded rehearsed. She’d noticed this before with Lauren, but now it struck her as disingenuous rather than cute. “It’s very important to me. You’ve come to mean a lot.”

  Harper looked past Lauren toward the kitchen, at Sue and Jimmy clowning around while they worked. What she had with them was friendship instead of this aching longing, this shell of what could be. This conversation was about Lauren putting Harper in her place. Lauren was making sure that she knew they could never be anything more. It offended and insulted her, because there would never have been any need for it to be said if Lauren hadn’t come on to her.

  “Listen,” Harper started. “Our friendship was important to me too. But I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to spend time with one another from now on.”

  “Was important?” Lauren repeated. She leaned forward, her hands inching toward Harper’s. Then, just as suddenly, they retreated. “I really am so sorry. Please forgive me.”

  Harper sighed. Didn’t Lauren understand that it would always hang between them? Lauren might say these words now, but she knew Lauren well enough to know that the situation couldn’t be repaired so easily. Lauren would never really be comfortable with her again.

  “Lauren, you’re a wonderful person, but you’re confused. I hope you figure out what it is that you want.” Harper had spotted Sue coming toward them and she spoke more rapidly. “Don’t worry. I’m not going to tell anyone about what happened. And let’s not let this affect our working relationship, okay?”

  “Okay,” Lauren said with a crack in her voice. Harper felt the pricking of her conscience at how sad Lauren looked. She hadn’t known that Lauren would take it so badly. Maybe she could have chosen her words more carefully, but there just wasn’t time for that. Lauren suddenly pushed out of her seat and walked toward the door, jerking it open.