No More Pretending Read online

  The sense of holding herself back was nothing new for her. Early in her career, Lauren had made the decision that she would never come out. Cultivating an image was a game that everybody played. It had never occurred to her that she could play it differently. Very few of her colleagues were openly gay. Those who were out stuck to the indies and the occasional guest role on a television show. At first, she had dodged the subject of her private life. It had been easy when there were few people asking her questions. As she became more successful, her manager Celia and publicist Franklin prepared answers that she recited. She would say that she had no interest in talking about her life because she wanted to completely disappear into her roles. That approach only worked for a short time. The higher her profile rose, the more the media wanted to peek into every corner of her life.

  Finally, and only after quite a lot of pressure, Lauren allowed Franklin to circulate stories about her dating men. He explained to her from the start that it was no big deal, that they did it about everyone regardless of sexuality. In interviews she covered her fear by trying to project an air of mystery, answering questions vaguely so that people could think whatever they wanted. When she read anything about herself, it was laughable how much of it was made up. Every article noted how intriguing and aloof and guarded she was.

  When she met a woman she found attractive, the first question that always came to mind was: who would the woman tell? Lauren always worried about rumors getting out. The one time Lauren had been less than discreet, she had suffered for it. The relationship with Angela—and its horrific, embarrassing aftermath—was not an experience she ever wanted to repeat. She’d trusted Angela. She was unlikely to ever trust anyone like that again. Lauren never really felt that strongly for the woman who betrayed her, but that didn’t make it any better. She now knew what it felt like to have her privacy breached but she had never experienced a violation like that. The worst aspect of it was that she only had herself to blame.

  So now, Chester was all that she was willing to have for company, and that was fine by her. She spent every night lying on the couch with him watching movies. Since she’d arrived in Texas, she had socialized only as much as she’d wanted to. There had been a drink with Sal, and she had gone for a drive with Sherri and couple of women from the wardrobe department. It wasn’t anything like living in New York or working in Los Angeles. There were no industry events to go to on Saturday nights and no pretentious nightclubs to be seen in. She had always found that aspect of her job tiring. It was a relief to be away from it all.

  It had been a long time since she’d immersed herself in cinema. When she was growing up, movies were so important to her. They were an escape, a way to feel less alone. As a kid, she’d practically lived at the video store. It was a part of herself that she’d lost touch with, despite her career. Now she had a chance to get back into it, to watch all those old classics she loved so much. She wished she could have been a part of it all back then, when things were so glamorous. So safe.

  Lauren had developed a Sunday routine that she was completely in love with. She would throw open the curtains so she could look out at the leafy trees outside of her bedroom window, then get up to make a pot of coffee. After that, she would go back to bed and curl up with a book with Chester snuggled against her legs. When she got so hungry she had no choice but to get up, she would hit the kitchen and make a big breakfast. She would eat it on the back porch and enjoy the sunshine and quiet, the only noise coming from the birds. Then it would be time to take Chester out for a walk.

  She had been slowly exploring the surrounding areas near her cottage, and finding out just how many lovely parks you could cram into one town. Chester would bound ahead of her, smelling the ground or running up to people, then return to her. Over time, Lauren had gotten used to strangers saying their friendly hellos to her, and occasionally she’d stop for a quick chat. Most people made it very easy for her—they loved hearing about how much she was enjoying being in town. So many people had offered to show her around that she had lost count, but nobody seemed offended when she declined.

  That day, she was walking through a tree-lined park she had found close to home. She picked up a stick and threw it for Chester. He eagerly chased it down on his short little legs and brought it back to her.

  “You are such a good little dog Chester. You know I’m wild about you, don’t you? You know I love you the best right?” she said, ruffling his curly hair. He panted up at her. “And you’re smart too. You understand human English, don’t you?”

  Lauren stood up and looked ahead of her, taking in the clean, fresh air. Days like this made her so happy. They filled her with the conviction that her life was getting better. Her anxiety and her fears were miles away, tucked safely back in the city where they belonged. She stood for a moment, feeling content to not have to be anywhere in particular. Chester ran away from her, sniffing the earth. There was a woman in his path, lying motionless on the grass, with her elbow thrown across her eyes. Her pose suggested that she was gloriously comfortable. Some people had a gift for looking at home in whichever environment they were in. Lauren wished she had that quality herself.

  With a spark of excitement, Lauren thought she might see red hair. Later, she was unsure why she had walked toward someone that she had been so carefully avoiding. Maybe it had something to do with how at ease she felt in that moment. The woman had looked like she was sleeping, so it hadn’t felt like it mattered that much.

  Lauren intended to keep a wide berth, but Chester had other ideas. She hadn’t kept him on a leash today and he ran directly toward the person she was now absolutely sure was Harper.

  “Chester!” she called as quietly as she could, but it was too late. He was sniffing around Harper, who abruptly came to life and sat up. Lauren watched, hanging back, while Harper looked at Chester for a moment and then started patting him. He walked around in a circle and then settled down onto Harper’s lap.

  Harper looked toward Lauren and smiled as though a strange dog jumping all over her was the most natural thing in the world. There was a fluttering in Lauren’s stomach as she hesitantly walked forward.

  “Hey. He’s cute. How old is he?” Harper asked her.

  “Five, even though he acts like a puppy,” Lauren said, having to search for the words.

  Harper scratched under Chester’s jaw. She looked up for a second at Lauren, who was standing uncertainly trying to decide whether to try to cajole Chester away or not. “You can sit if you want to.”

  Although she doubted that it was a genuine invitation, Lauren moved closer and knelt down, resting on her knees. She noticed now that Harper was wearing running shorts and a tank top, and that there was sweat across her collarbone. “I’m sorry that he disturbed you.”

  “It’s not a problem.”

  “Were you sleeping?” Lauren said, knowing that it was a stupid thing to ask as soon as it came out of her mouth.

  Harper looked at her kindly, which somehow made her feel even more exposed. “It’s really okay. I was just resting.”

  Neither of them said anything for a while, and Lauren was thankful that Chester was there to act as a buffer. He had rolled onto his back and Harper scratched his stomach while his little paws flailed in the air.

  Lauren finally thought of a question she could ask. “How are you finding it? Working for Sal I mean?”

  “Fine, why?” Harper asked.

  Lauren detected an undercurrent in Harper’s answer, a tone she didn’t understand. She got the feeling that maybe Harper didn’t like her asking that question. It had only been a week since Harper had started working for him. She hoped Sal hadn’t already done anything to cause issues.

  “No reason,” said Lauren. “I just know that he can be a bit… Sal’s a good friend of mine, but he can be inappropriate sometimes.”

  “Yeah, he can be kind of interesting,” Harper replied cautiously.

  “He can be a jerk. Let’s just say that he’s a little like Chester. With
out careful training he’ll try to jump all over your lap,” Lauren blurted out. She faltered on the last word but it didn’t matter, because Harper’s laugh was genuine. The way she laughed, so openly and infectiously, made Lauren’s heart beat faster. She hadn’t been sure whether she should even make the joke, but it had paid off.

  “I was hoping people didn’t think there was something going on between us, with the way he acts,” Harper said with relief.

  “I didn’t think that. I just know Sal sometimes get a bit confused about what’s okay and what’s plain old sexual harassment. I hope I’m not being presumptuous if I tell you it’s okay to just tell him straight. He’ll get it eventually.”

  “Oh he knows how I feel already, but thanks. Really,” Harper said. She looked up and smiled at Lauren, and then went back to rubbing Chester’s stomach. Lauren tried to think of something else to say, but was at a loss.

  “Hey, I’ve been meaning to tell you,” said Harper. “I saw you in Edge of the Seawhen it came out. It was really good.”

  Lauren flushed in surprise. That movie was her favorite thing that she had ever done. It would always be special to her because she had co-written the script with her friend Christine. It had a cult following, though it had not been successful by any other measure. It never led to serious roles like she’d hoped, but it had made the industry take note of her and she got a lot of meetings after it came out. When people approached her it was usually about one of her more popular movies, but she always appreciated the ones who commented on Edge of the Seathe most.

  “Thank you. That’s so nice of you to say.” Another awkward silence followed, although Harper didn’t seem to mind it. Her attention was on Chester, who’d started licking her hand.

  “I should get home. I’ve been here way longer than I should have. I didn’t mean to doze off like that,” Harper said.

  “I can understand why you did. This place is so relaxing, and it’s such a beautiful day.”

  “It really is.” Harper patted Chester affectionately.

  “C’mon Chester, let’s let Harper get home. I’ll see you soon.”

  “See you at work.”

  As Harper walked away, she smiled and waved good-bye again over her shoulder. Lauren stood watching her for longer than she should have, her heart skipping like a stone.

  Chapter Six

  Harper had never considered it a failing on her part that she sometimes missed things about others. She was the sort of person who wore her heart on her sleeve; she’d even been told that she could be honest to a fault. It seemed that her own forthrightness made her assume she could take everyone else at face value. It was times like these that she wished she were more adept at reading people.

  It had never occurred to her that Lauren might be acting aloof because she was just shy. When Lauren approached her in the park and it was just the two of them, Harper easily picked up on the way Lauren fidgeted uncomfortably. Now and then Lauren’s voice would trail off like she wasn’t sure of what she was saying, and her gaze would slide away self-consciously.

  Harper now realized that Lauren had said those things about her to Sal because she disapproved of his behavior. The criticism had been aimed squarely at him. Lauren had been acting protectively toward her, which struck her as incredibly sweet.

  It all made Harper see Lauren in a different light. Lauren was nothing like Harper had assumed. There was a kindness in her that Harper had missed. Now that she knew better, any hostility toward Lauren completely dropped away. It was a relief, because she had been dreading her interactions with Lauren. For a few days, that feeling had been the only thing she hadn’t liked about her job. When she went to work the next day she felt lighter, like things were going to be better from now on.

  Just as Harper was getting to her office door, she heard Lauren’s voice greeting her from a few feet away.

  “Good morning,” Lauren said. “Did you enjoy the rest of your day yesterday?”

  Harper paused with her hand on the doorknob. When she looked over her shoulder, she saw Lauren standing there, a sweet half smile on her face. The question sounded formal, like Lauren had rehearsed what she was going to say.

  “I did, thanks. It was very relaxing. What about you?”

  Lauren took a while to answer. “I had a good day, thanks.”

  “Did you want to come in and hang out for a while?” Harper asked, trying to put Lauren at ease.

  Lauren’s smile turned up to its full potential and she shook her head. “I’m on my way to another wardrobe fitting. Thank you, though.”

  As she walked away, Harper watched her for a moment. There it was again, that shyness and the sense that it was hard for Lauren to talk to her. It was as though Lauren was really putting herself out there just to say hello to someone that she didn’t know very well. Harper reflected that it must be a difficult way to go through life. It was strange that someone so painfully shy had chosen an acting career, of all things. If it was difficult for Lauren to talk to her, a complete nobody, then what must it be like going on TV and doing interviews and all that stuff?

  That night when she went home, she was determined to get her hands on Lauren’s old movie. The urge to watch Edge of the Seahad been nagging at Harper ever since she had looked it up, and it only got stronger since she and Lauren spoke the day before. Harper tried to download it but wasn’t able to find it. There was a store in the next town over that she thought might have the DVD, so she called them to see if they stocked it. The bored-sounding teenager who answered the phone said flatly that he’d never heard of it, but eventually he came back to the phone and said they had it.

  She drove over and picked it up. Initially she was planning to watch only the first half hour, but got so absorbed in it that she finished it. The film was as good as she had remembered. It was funny and poignant, and she found herself moved by it once again.

  For moments she would get lost in the story and then with a jolt she would remember that it was Lauren she was seeing. Harper didn’t know much about acting, but it seemed like Lauren completely disappeared into the character. The woman on the screen had a different voice that was clearer and stronger. When she walked, she moved with a straight spine and her chin thrust forward. Harper shifted awkwardly on the sofa when Lauren disrobed for a love scene with her male co-star. There wasn’t much skin on display, save for Lauren’s toned back and shoulders, but she looked at the actor with a desire real enough to make Harper feel like a voyeur. Harper remembered that after they had seen it, she and her friend had exclaimed over how attractive Lauren was. It made her uncomfortable to think about that now.

  When she went to work the next day, she was bleary-eyed from staying up late to finish the movie. She was hoping to have one of those quiet days where Sal would leave her to her own devices, but instead he called her in early. Harper was aware that Sal, Lauren, Josh, and various other players were having meetings to work out last-minute problems with the script. Although she had never been present for the entirety of one of their meetings, she often heard fragments of conversations as she came and went. The discussions usually sounded heated, with Sal’s and Josh’s voices rising passionately while Lauren’s quiet voice came out from underneath them.

  “I just don’t understand what the issue is here,” Sal was saying when she entered.

  Harper skirted around the edge of the room in an effort to be unobtrusive. She handed a mug of coffee to each of them. Lauren was the only one who smiled at her in acknowledgment. In the seconds after Lauren turned her attention back to Sal and Josh, Harper felt something she hadn’t anticipated. She wanted Lauren to keep looking at her.

  “Because I think you’re going to turn off half the audience with this, Sal. More than half, if you consider that this movie is supposed to be aimed mainly at women,” Lauren said.

  “I’m not sure,” Josh said, frowning. “I don’t know what I think about this.”

  “I’ve written a lot of these things, Lauren, very successfully I mi
ght add. I know what my audience wants. The studio loved the script, so stop trying to rewrite mymovie,” Sal said.

  “I’m not trying to do that,” Lauren countered.

  “We all know you can write, but this one is not yours.”

  Lauren shook her head. “You know I know better than that, Sal. I never try to rewrite anything. You said you wanted to workshop this scene. I’m just giving you the opinion you asked for.”

  Harper stood to the side and waited patiently for further instructions. She had come to understand that when she was in a room with Sal and other people, she was a low priority for a while. Eventually, when he’d put out whatever fires he was dealing with at the time, Sal would tell her what he needed.

  Sal threw up an arm. “Then explain it to me. What’s the problem?”

  “It’s the whole premise of the scene,” said Lauren calmly. “It makes my character out to be dopey and Josh’s to be controlling.”

  “Hey, some women like that,” Josh said. Sal didn’t catch the sarcasm and nodded enthusiastically.

  Lauren rolled her eyes at the two of them. “As the only woman taking part in this conversation, I’m telling you there are many women who would not enjoy getting treated this way. It’s not romantic. I’m sorry to tell you this, Sal, but it’s almost a bit offensive.”

  Sal clicked his fingers at Harper, who jumped slightly. “Second opinion? Harper, you’re a woman. Let’s put this to a vote.”

  “Oh I don’t really…” Harper hesitated. The last thing she wanted was to get involved in a dispute over something she knew nothing about. What did she know about scripts or movies?

  Sal ignored her objection. “Let me lay it out for you. So, you know that Josh’s character is this big Texan oil magnate and Lauren’s character is this good-hearted poor girl. In this scene, they’re out on a date and Lauren is dressed up. She looks fantastic but she can’t afford much. He offers to buy her a new wardrobe, but the way he offers is not insulting. It’s like, what’s the line Josh?”