Like a Book Page 14

  How could two people have so much chemistry with one another, and not act on it? How could they be so in tune with one another and not explore it further? Maybe she had deluded herself, but June kept coming back to the way Trish looked at her and everything that had happened between them lately. She still couldn’t believe that she might be wrong about how they fit together. She knew in her heart that Trish felt it too.

  June had no idea what Katrina looked like, but her brain conjured up an image of a beautiful woman. They would be kissing right now, or worse. The thought of anyone else’s hands on Trish made her stomach turn over. As her ex-girlfriend, Katrina must know Trish’s body better than anyone else. If Trish was still in love with Katrina, which June had always suspected that she was, then June could never compete with that.

  She put a pillow over her face and groaned into it. Trish had pushed and pulled her from the day they met, and June had finally reached her limit.

  Eventually she changed her clothes and got under the covers, drifting asleep without showering or eating dinner. She left her bedroom door wide open, and when she woke up Ollie was in bed next to her.

  She rolled over and looked at him. Harsh sunlight was coming through the curtains, making it impossible for her to open more than one of her eyes.

  June groaned senselessly.

  He snapped awake and rolled toward her. “What’s wrong with you, baby girl, are you sick?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I said, grumpy Gus, are you sick? I came home and your door was open, but half the lights were on. Plus, I peeked under the covers and saw you’re wearing that hideous shirt you always wear when you’re depressed.”

  June looked down at it. She had a lot of bed shirts, but the one she was wearing was ripped under the sleeve.

  “You pay too much attention to my clothes. It doesn’t mean anything.”

  “Bullshit. What happened?”

  June sighed and rubbed her face. “I haven’t even had coffee yet so you’re pushing it, but okay. Some stuff happened with Trish.”

  “What kind of stuff?”

  June pulled the blanket over her head, shutting out the world for just a moment, then pulled it back down again. She stared up at the ceiling. “We fooled around.”

  “You did?”

  “We did. And it wasn’t supposed to be a big deal, but I thought we were getting closer anyway. Then she tells me that she’s seeing her ex again. She told me like I was just a girlfriend, you know? Like I’m just there to listen to her problems and not have any feelings about anything.”

  “That’s really not okay. I know I just met her, but I didn’t think she’d do something like that.”

  “I don’t know, I guess things have gotten pretty blurry between us. There’s something else I haven’t told you about.”

  “What is it?”

  June threw her arm over her face. “You’re going to think it’s so dumb.”

  “You know I’m not here to judge. Come on, tell me.”

  “Well, we made kind of this pact…we were talking about my book topic and we thought it would be funny, I guess, to see if we could have that kind of relationship.”

  “A romantic friendship?”

  “Yep. We agreed we could be physical with each other as long as we didn’t take it too far, but then we did anyway. I’ve been so stupid, Ollie, I just wanted to be close to her. I thought I could handle it, but I couldn’t. She doesn’t want me.”

  Ollie put an arm around her, and she moved so that she could rest her head on his chest.

  “Where do you want things to go from here?”

  “There’s nowhere it can go, I’ve finally figured that out. I’ve just got to watch while she gets together with Katrina, I guess.”

  “That sounds really horrible.”

  “What do you think I should do?”

  Ollie sighed, stammered, and still didn’t say a word.

  “I promise I’m not going to get mad,” June said. “I know what I’ve done. I really want you to tell me what you think.”

  “Okay. I know what it’s like, you’re totally into this girl, I get it. But I don’t think she’s ever going to see you any differently. You’re right, you’ll just have to watch her get back together with her ex. If you don’t tell her it’s not okay she’s just going to keep doing it to you. And, um, as for the romantic friendship thing, I think it’s for the best if I don’t say what I think about that.”

  “Please don’t,” June said. “So? You think I should do what?”

  “There’s two things that you can do. You can keep suffering in silence and let her keep hurting you, or you can go on a Trish cleanse. Stop spending time with her, definitely don’t do any of this weird hand-holding shit, just go back to being friendly acquaintances at the library. It’ll hurt but eventually you’ll get her out of your system.”

  “Or the other option is I could talk to her, tell her how I’m feeling?”

  “You’ve tried that. She knows how you feel.”

  June let the words sink in, allowing herself to really comprehend the awfulness of it. “You’re right. I have. It needs to be the cleanse. No more coffee dates, no more lunches. Tear up that stupid piece of paper. I don’t even owe her an explanation really, do I?”

  Ollie grabbed her hand and squeezed it. “You don’t owe her anything. Only talk to her as much as you want to. You need to look after yourself.”

  Now that a decision was made, June didn’t feel much better. It was one thing to determine that she needed to keep her distance, quite another to follow through. She was going to have trouble staying away from Trish, that much was obvious. This time, she needed to stick to her guns.

  * * *

  Trish didn’t know who to turn to, not when everyone in her life had an agenda. Both of her parents would tell her to get back together with Katrina if they knew there was any chance of a reconciliation. If Leigh were to find out, she’d beg Trish to run for the hills. When it came to people at work, Trish still didn’t know anyone well enough to talk to. She was friendly with a lot of people there, but none of them were really friends. None of them knew anything about her personal life.

  It wasn’t just Katrina that she needed to talk about. She felt sick about that look June had given her.

  Trish considered calling June over the weekend, but she couldn’t think of a convincing pretext to do it. She didn’t know exactly what she wanted from June, but it would be enough to know that they were okay and that June wasn’t mad at her. Instead, she forced herself to wait until they could see one another again. Just the thought of seeing June’s face lifted her up. She needed a break from all this confusion.

  On Monday morning, she checked her lipstick in her compact before leaving her handbag in the staff room. No matter how many times she saw June, and how friendly they became, she still felt nervous every time they had plans to meet. June always looked so good without appearing like she was trying.

  Trish checked her phone as she walked toward the doors. There was a text message from June.

  “Hey, Trish. I’m running late and won’t have time for coffee today. Sorry for the short notice.”

  Trish put her phone back in her pocket. She bought a coffee for herself anyway. Surely it was only a coincidence, although she couldn’t ignore the fact that she had never known June to be late. Even on days when she’d worked at the bar and only managed a few hours’ sleep, June was always there right when she said she would be. Trish had been taking that for granted.

  When she started work, Trish kept one eye trained on the entrance, afraid that she would miss it when June came inside. June arrived while Trish was serving a student at the loans counter. Trish looked over the student’s shoulder, nodding toward June. June smiled and waved at her like she would any other day. It was only paranoia that had made her worry earlier.

  The moment Trish had the opportunity to leave her post, she found where June was working, so that she could say hello properly.
She wasn’t in any of her usual spots, instead set up in a busy corner by the technology-related texts.

  “Good morning,” Trish said.

  June was sitting with her back to Trish, and Trish noted with alarm the way her shoulders hunched a little when she spoke. Still, when she turned in her chair, June met her eyes with a smile. As usual, her gaze slid down Trish’s body, and as always Trish pretended to not notice, enjoying every bit of it.

  “Morning. How was your weekend?”

  “Not bad,” Trish replied. She grasped for something to fill the silence that followed. “How was your game?”

  “We won,” June said.

  “That’s great. Congratulations.”

  June hadn’t risen from her chair or even properly turned around, and Trish touched her shoulder as she congratulated her. But June didn’t put her hand on Trish’s like she normally would. Trish dropped her hand, which suddenly felt weighted down, useless.

  Trish was beginning to understand that she was going to have to give an explanation about Katrina. She would have to broach the topic if she wanted to clear the air. It wouldn’t work to do it now. Trish wanted privacy, and time to think of what to say.

  “Would you like to have lunch with me today?” Trish asked.

  June picked up her pen, rolling it between her thumb and forefinger. She was facing away from Trish again. Trish was sure of what June’s answer was going to be.

  “I’m sorry, there’s no time. One of my friends at the bar called in sick and I’m covering her shift. I start at noon.”

  “That’s too bad.”

  June acknowledged her statement with a dip of her head.

  Trish had too much pride to try to confirm a coffee date for the next morning, not when it was obvious that June would make up another excuse to avoid her.

  “Well, I’ll leave you to your work then.”

  “Cool, I’ll see you later,” June said, already writing something in her notebook.

  June looked down at the scribbled words, not really seeing them. It felt cruel to treat Trish this way, but Ollie was right. Trish knew how she felt about her, and she had no respect for those feelings. Together they had gotten deeper and deeper into trouble, and June had to be adult enough to dig herself back out.

  It didn’t matter anyway. It wouldn’t take long for Trish to file June back into her place as an experiment. June had only ever been something different for Trish to try, just a way for her to kill time until she got back to her real life. If it hadn’t been Katrina, some other woman would have come along, someone that Trish would think was good enough for her.

  Just now June had felt Trish’s brief touch like a caress and wanted more. The awareness of her standing so close was enough to drive June crazy. June wanted to turn and grab her, to pull her onto her lap and kiss her neck. There was so much that she wanted to do, and it worried her how little she cared about the consequences when it came down to it. She had to keep reminding herself that her dignity was worth more than the brief satisfaction she would get from touching Trish again.

  June didn’t know how she was going to ride this out, but at least she had just taken the first step.

  Chapter Fourteen

  “What are you thinking about?” Katrina asked.

  Slowly, Trish refocused on Katrina’s face. Trish had no idea how long it had been since she’d zoned out, but it was some time after Katrina had started talking about her job.

  “Nothing,” Trish said, digging a fork into her food. “This pasta is great.”

  This time they were at an Italian restaurant Trish liked, but she wasn’t enjoying herself any more than she had during their last date. Trish couldn’t stop ruminating about everything that had happened in the last week, trying to figure out if there was any chance that June would ever stop freezing her out. June still smiled at her, but their conversations were reduced to small talk. She was always rushing out of the library, as though she was desperate to be anywhere else.

  This morning, Trish finally gathered up the courage to approach June properly. Trish found a reason to walk past June, and after checking to see that nobody was around, she stood nearby until June noticed her.

  “Hey, Trish,” June said, barely looking up from her laptop. The disinterested tone was a knife in the chest.

  “I’m sorry to interrupt, but can I ask you something?”

  June looked back at her, still not taking her fingers from the keyboard. She nodded at Trish to signal that she should go ahead, or maybe she was just telling Trish to hurry up.

  “Are you okay?” Trish asked.

  “Sure, I’m fine.”

  Trish stood before her, unmoving. June was looking right through her, and it was so unnerving that she didn’t know what to do.

  “I’m sorry but I’m really busy here,” June said, gesturing at her laptop.

  “No, I’m really sorry,” Trish said quickly. “I shouldn’t have interrupted you, sorry about that.”

  As she walked away, Trish swallowed down the lump in her throat. Not only did she miss June desperately, she hated that June didn’t respect her anymore. Now that the feeling was gone, she realized how much more confident and happy she was while she was spending time with June.

  For one thing, June talked to her like they were on the same intellectual level. She sought out Trish’s opinions on literature and valued her skills as a researcher.

  The same could not be said for Katrina. It was only their second date since reconnecting, and already the familiar condescension was creeping back in. When Katrina asked her for more information about her new job, she only listened for a minute before she jumped back into talking about herself again.

  “And what have you been up to lately? You said you went out with a friend?” Katrina finally asked, after a drawn-out story about one of her cases.

  “No, I went to a party. At my friend June’s place,” Trish replied. “She teaches at the university.”

  “Oh, she’s a professor?”

  Trish shrugged. “I watched her play roller derby and then went to a party at her place.”

  Despite everything that had happened since then, the memory of it brought a smile to her face.

  “Roller derby. Isn’t that the game where they play on skates? She sounds interesting, I’d love to meet her one day.”

  Trish shrugged again. Even if she decided to keep seeing Katrina, she couldn’t imagine a scenario in which a meeting between June and Katrina could ever happen.

  While Katrina drove her home, she alternated between tapping her fingers on the steering wheel and playing with her hair. As they pulled into the driveway, Trish quickly unbuckled her seat belt, commenting on how lovely the restaurant had been. She couldn’t wait to be alone again.

  Katrina’s hand was on her shoulder. “Trish?”

  Trish turned and Katrina leaned toward her. Trish put out a hand, resting it on Katrina’s chest to stop her from coming any closer.

  “I really can’t do that right now,” Trish said.

  “That’s okay, I understand,” Katrina replied. “I had a really nice night. I’ll call you?”

  “Sure,” Trish said. Katrina’s voice was tight, no matter how she said all the right things. Trish hadn’t asked for any of this.

  The car idled in the driveway while she unlocked the door, fumbling the key in the lock under Katrina’s stare.

  The idea of them kissing felt so wrong; stopping it had been reflexive. There was an absence of passion when she thought about kissing Katrina, and even of warmth. Trish had not felt the barest stirring of desire when she’d seen Katrina looking at her like that. When compared to how she felt when June came near her, it was like the difference between ice and fire. She hunched her shoulders tight until the car was gone and she was safely inside.

  * * *

  Trish kept her eyes closed while she sat on the train, breathing deeply to try to calm her anxiety. After the date with Katrina she spent the rest of her weekend exercising and reorganizing
her closet. None of her self-help strategies were working. On Saturday night, she restlessly watched a movie, and then pulled out her pros and cons lists to look over them. She was hoping to add to them after seeing Katrina again, but she couldn’t face thinking about it too deeply. She eventually dumped them on the entry table, where she usually put things when she was on her way to throwing them out.

  Trish was so nervous about seeing June again that she’d barely slept. She both dreaded it and needed it. When she thought about the way June had been with her on Friday, she knew that she had used up her last chance to talk about what was going on between them. How many times could she approach June before she started to look pathetic? How long would it be before June would say something that might really hurt her?

  When June entered the room, her step slowed slightly as she saw Trish. Trish couldn’t remember the last time June had smiled at her. June had never looked more beautiful, in blue jeans and a loose black sweater with sneakers. She looked tired, though, as tired as Trish felt.

  June walked on. Trish turned away from her, unable to bear any more.

  At least Leigh would be coming to the library to visit during Trish’s lunch break. She could certainly use the friendly face. Leigh was taking a day off from work for wedding planning and had asked to come in, so that she should finally check out Trish’s new workplace.

  Trish was at the front counter when she saw her sister, and her spirits lifted just enough to make her smile. She stepped around the counter and enveloped Leigh in a hug. Leigh returned it, looking at her curiously when they pulled away. Trish had never been much of a hugger.

  “How’s the planning going? Got much done this morning?” Trish asked.

  “Good, good. Lots of emailing and phone calls. I wish we had the money to just hire a wedding planner, though. It’s all a bit boring.”